A Cat Burglar in Erebor
by gideondorf
Summary: In which Gandalf messes in Bilbo's life yet again, making her a kitten. fem!Bilbo/fem!Thorin, but mostly just the shenanigans of kitten!Bilbo. Fix it AU


Gandalf might as well have been screaming. The witch held a hand to her cheek. "Bilbo Baggins, that was not called for!"

Bilbo just meowed in response.

Thorin really needed something to calm her nerves.

* * *

Frodo held her aunt in her lap. She was petting her. Next to her was a ball of yarn that had been stolen from either Ori or Dori. Well, Thorin could now say that her wife was a cat burglar.

Really, this was turning into a very strange morning. Gandalf was eating breakfast in Erebor's royal kitchens. She refused to bother to turn Bilbo back into a hobbit until she apologized for scratching Gandalf's cheek. Really, it wasn't uncalled for. Gandalf had meddled in her life yet again.

But Gandalf stood firm. To think, some called Thorin stubborn!

Bilbo wasn't very happy about her predicament and scratched anyone who wasn't Thorin or Frodo. Fili and Kili had gotten some especially bad scratches earlier, though nowhere near what Bilbo had given Gandalf.

Thorin sat down on the couch and wrapped an arm around Frodo's small shoulders. The little girl had been begging for a pet for quite some time and it seemed that she'd finally gotten her wish.

"Can I dress up Aunt Bilbo?" Frodo asked. "I have lots of pretty dresses her size."

Bilbo's eyes shot open and she gave an angry meow.

"I think she said no," Thorin replied. She began to scratch Bilbo behind the ears, smirking at the pleasured purrs that left her mouth.

Frodo pouted. "But Aunt Thorin, she would look so pretty." Recently, Frodo had become obsessed with all things pretty. Luckily, Erebor didn't lack anything in that department, so she had more than enough to choose from. She especially liked the jewel covered training sword that Thorin had gotten her. She loved to show it off to the other children, especially how the diamonds made cuts effortless. It was a good thing that she could be trusted with a sword.

"Your aunt is always pretty."

Bilbo rolled her eyes. Yes, that was certainly Bilbo.

Thorin took Bilbo from Frodo. She was certainly a fine looking cat, with sleek, short orange fur and wide eyes. Really, she was a kitten, but for once she didn't think her wife wanted to hear about how young she looked. "Don't worry," Thorin said. "I'll get Gandalf to turn you back into a hobbit in no time. I'll just miss how cute you look."

Bilbo did scratch her for that. Luckily, Thorin was dressed in leather.

* * *

Frodo was a good little girl. She had her moments, but most of the time she was ten times better than Fili and Kili ever were. This was not one of those times.

"Frodo, what did I say about dressing Bilbo up? She is a cat, not a doll or stuffed toy!"

"But Aunt Thorin," Frodo said, blue eyes wide, "Aunt Bilbo looks so pretty!"

Thorin grimaced. Bilbo was dressed in a blue silk dress, and Thorin recognized it from one of the dolls that she had bought Frodo. On her head was a paper crown with jewels drawn on it in purple and red ink. She was shooting daggers at Thorin. Pretty was not the right word for her at the moment.

"Frodo, give me Aunt Bilbo," Thorin said.

Frodo pouted and held Bilbo to her chest. "No!" She must have squeezed her a bit too hard because Bilbo made a pained hiss.

"You're hurting her!"

"Am not!" Frodo said.

Bilbo made the same hissing noise. Thorin quickly leaned in and took her from Frodo. Bilbo relaxed in her arms. The paper crown fell from her head and onto the floor, and Thorin wasn't about to pick it up.

Frodo started to cry. "I want to play with Aunt Bilbo!"

Thorin didn't like to see her niece cry, but she didn't like to see her wife in pain (or in doll clothing).

"Go play with your dolls! Or Ori or Gimli, maybe even Fili and Kili if they aren't busy!" They probably were though. Thorin had to skip on today's duties to deal with her wife being turned into a kitten.

"But I want to play with Aunt Bilbo!"

Bilbo still seemed angry. "Frodo..." Thorin sighed. "Just because Aunt Bilbo is now a cat does not mean that she is a toy."

Frodo continued to cry. Curse Gandalf!

* * *

Bilbo proved Thorin's assumptions of being a cat burglar correct. She stole quite a bit of fish from under Bombur's nose and seemed quite pleased with it.

* * *

When Thorin went to bed that night, she had Bilbo sleeping at the foot of her bed. It was strange, and she hoped to Mahal that it wouldn't become a normal occurrence. As nice as cuddling with and petting her soft fur was, she wanted her wife to become a hobbit again.

Luckily, she was correct. She still nearly did have a heart attack when she woke up to discover a naked woman at the edge of her bed.

"Oh," she said, "it's just you, Bilbo."

"Don't tell me you wanted me to remain a cat."

"Not if you were going to scratch me!"

Once Bilbo was dressed, she and Thorin went to the market. Luckily, word hadn't gotten out at what happened to the queen's consort the day before. There was word of Gandalf's arrival, and more than a few were excited. Bilbo shook her head and sighed.

"Don't worry," Thorin whispered. "I'll make sure nothing else happens to you."

They finally caved in and bought Frodo her first pet, a pet rock.

It was a very pretty rock if Thorin could say so herself.

* * *

There was quite a scar on Gandalf's face. Still, she remained firm in not apologizing.

"You turned me into a cat!"

"It was an accident!"

Thorin had Frodo at her side, who was holding her rock in her hand. She had been quite disappointed with her gift, but Thorin was sure that once the novelty of her aunt having been a cat wore off she would love it.

The fight was escalating, and Thorin put an arm on Frodo's shoulder, holding her in place. She didn't need her niece becoming a cat.

Bilbo was getting angrier by the second. Maybe she still did have claws...


End file.
